The room I want the most

"A room with red carpet, lined with gold designs all over it.

There is no walls, trust me bro. The walls have to be shelves. Millions of them! And they must have books on them. I don't care what books, it can be any book for all I care. It just needs to have books.

Then there needs to be a fireplace, right, a fireplace made out of white marble. And there has to be a handsome fire with like, proper firewood, no coals no electrical fire stuff.

Then infront of the fire, there absolutely has to be these two high back chairs, you know the really comfy types like the ones you see in moves that they have around fireplace.

Then I'll walk up to the chair and sit down, facing the fire at a diagonal angle. And God will be there. God's gonna sit there on the other chair.

I'll look him in the eyes and I'll ask him...

'Why do you love us so much?' "

"But we already know the answer!" said Martin and Addis.

"No matter what the other Christians tell me, I'll never be satisfied with the answer. I want to hear it from God himself, I want to ask him all the questions that I have in mind and I believe I will be satisfied with all of his answers."

Silence.

"That's deep bro."

"That's just how I roll baby."

I tried to love you as a friend, but the distance between us is like an abyss in the Eye of Terror.

I tried to save this friendship, but it hit a rockwall, dead on.

Maybe I should just ignore you.

As a matter of fact, I believe that is the only way to get you out of my life and my mind.

My anger has gripped my heart in it's clutches. It tantalizes my soul.

I prayed daily.

I questioned God.

But I got no answer to fix this.

When I acquired the knowledge that you shed tears for this friendship, I bled.

When I was told that I can trust you once again, to open up to you, to confide in you, I bled.

When I was told that you were confused, you didn't know if you had anything to say to me, I cried.

All I ask from you is this.

Give. Me. A. Sign.

Confused.

Dilemma.

Concussed.

There are many words that go through my mind to describe what I am feeling right now. The most apt one would be... confused.

When is the fine line between care and concern and liking someone?

To someone that I am eternally grateful for:

I've sat here for about half an hour (really) and I still don't have a single clue how to start this entry. I've read through the cards that you sent me repeatedly and I still feel cut when I read one particular letter that you sent to me.

Hell, I don't even know if you'll be reading this or that this blog exists at all.

I just feel that a huge/great/enormous/"insert big word here" load has been lifted off my chest/shoulders/back after that talk. And I really, really, really appreciate that you had the courage/took the effort to talk to me. (I don't mean it in a bad way of course.)

Like what you said, I also felt a certain emptiness during the rift that separated us. Although I didn't say it at that point of time, there were plenty of times where I did not go to church at all, longest period was for the entire month of July. I did not say it at that point of time because I didn't want to give you any ideas about leaving the Church. (Now that I look back at the talk, I firmly believe you never will leave Church no matter what happens.)

I can assure you that what I fought for in the past is still the same (if not, more). There have been extra additions to my "ideal" warrior, but I shan't go too deep into that. I assure you I still strive to be a Spartan/Adeptus Astartes for God. See, bet you didn't know what the second one was. (Alot of reading expands your mind.)

I love you, old friend. I've picked myself up from the dirt and brushed myself clean of the dirt that covers my body. And I am ready to fight again.

Hearing you struggle with school/church, it cut me deeply. There was a physical pain in my chest. I felt that I had failed in my duty. On the journey home, I felt really depressed/sad/emo. I think emo would be a better choice of word since it suits me.

You may not know it (well now you will), but you made my New Year Resolution for 2009 possible. I am now able to close the year 2009 with a smile on my face, knowing that God can really make miracles happen. Thank you friend.

I love you, friend. Let us fight together again. Let us talk philosophies again into the wee hours of the morning, let us make jokes so lame that it needs crutches to support itself. I know I have seriously breached your trust, and I damn myself for that, but I am more than willing to trust you a full 120% like before.

I don't know if you'll ever read this by tomorrow, by next week, by next year, or by 10 years time. Or maybe you'll never even know that this blog even existed at all. I love you friend. I really do. I am forever in YOUR debt since 13th January, 2006. I still treasure this friendship like I did before, I still believe that 13th January 2006 was the biggest blessing of my life.

I am forever in your debt, friend. I love you.

'Fred

29th December 2009

I really do.