The vow

I have been running away far too long.

I have dug a pit far too deep.

I have been foolish to think I can run away from my past, away from all the insecurities, the fears.

The memories.

A feeling unlike anything I've ever known stabs at my chest. I think to myself, is this how being heartbroken feels?

I lie down on my bed. The feelings overwhelm me. The feeling of shame, disgust, hatred, anger flood my heart and mind.

And it's all directed from me, to me.

I close my eyes, and the fun times we all had together playback, crystal clear like it was a DVD movie. I remember the laughs we had, the atrocious amount of time we spent being lame, the late nights we spent being online, discussing about life and it's meaning or almost everything, anything under the sun.

For the first time in many months, a tear leaks out from those eyes. Tears of sorrow, shame, disgust.

I've ran enough.

Now it is time to let God carry me.

Now it is time to straighten out things.

Now it is time to stand up and never stay down.

Now it is time to face my demons within.

My past.

My fears.

My insecurities.

My anger.

My emotions.

Time to finish the fight.

The best painkiller

Painkiller, or more commonly known to us as Panadol, is a miracle painkiller. It relieves you of pain, but momentarily until you deal with the headache or whatever that's associated with.

However, a overdose of these painkillers could potenially kill you. This painkillers should be taken in a time of need, instead of greed.

However, I found out that the best painkiller is to just store my emotions within, locking it up and throwing the key away. Years of hurt, pain, confusion all locked into that void that exists within my soul. Sounds ironic don't you think so, locking the pain within you, never letting anyone know what you're feeling, but at the same time it eats you from the inside, devouring your thoughts or what's left of your emotions. It's a... double-edged sword.

I remember what a certain person told me when I said I can never smile. That person laughed, and, for some reason, I smiled.

"There you go, you smiled!"

The amazingness of how situations can backfire at you within seconds.

But what is the best painkiller? To feign ignorance to the things that are happening around you, or to lockup your emotions, steeling yourself? Or is it to be vulnerable, to express your fears, your concerns to someone close to you, to tell them that "Hey, I need help".

Human nature is amazing indeed, we know the answer to the question, yet we chose the wrong answer ALWAYS.