To someone that I am eternally grateful for:

I've sat here for about half an hour (really) and I still don't have a single clue how to start this entry. I've read through the cards that you sent me repeatedly and I still feel cut when I read one particular letter that you sent to me.

Hell, I don't even know if you'll be reading this or that this blog exists at all.

I just feel that a huge/great/enormous/"insert big word here" load has been lifted off my chest/shoulders/back after that talk. And I really, really, really appreciate that you had the courage/took the effort to talk to me. (I don't mean it in a bad way of course.)

Like what you said, I also felt a certain emptiness during the rift that separated us. Although I didn't say it at that point of time, there were plenty of times where I did not go to church at all, longest period was for the entire month of July. I did not say it at that point of time because I didn't want to give you any ideas about leaving the Church. (Now that I look back at the talk, I firmly believe you never will leave Church no matter what happens.)

I can assure you that what I fought for in the past is still the same (if not, more). There have been extra additions to my "ideal" warrior, but I shan't go too deep into that. I assure you I still strive to be a Spartan/Adeptus Astartes for God. See, bet you didn't know what the second one was. (Alot of reading expands your mind.)

I love you, old friend. I've picked myself up from the dirt and brushed myself clean of the dirt that covers my body. And I am ready to fight again.

Hearing you struggle with school/church, it cut me deeply. There was a physical pain in my chest. I felt that I had failed in my duty. On the journey home, I felt really depressed/sad/emo. I think emo would be a better choice of word since it suits me.

You may not know it (well now you will), but you made my New Year Resolution for 2009 possible. I am now able to close the year 2009 with a smile on my face, knowing that God can really make miracles happen. Thank you friend.

I love you, friend. Let us fight together again. Let us talk philosophies again into the wee hours of the morning, let us make jokes so lame that it needs crutches to support itself. I know I have seriously breached your trust, and I damn myself for that, but I am more than willing to trust you a full 120% like before.

I don't know if you'll ever read this by tomorrow, by next week, by next year, or by 10 years time. Or maybe you'll never even know that this blog even existed at all. I love you friend. I really do. I am forever in YOUR debt since 13th January, 2006. I still treasure this friendship like I did before, I still believe that 13th January 2006 was the biggest blessing of my life.

I am forever in your debt, friend. I love you.

'Fred

29th December 2009

I really do.

There are rites of cleansing and purification that might be employed... They are quite arduous. Many would not survive.'

'They will,' said Rafen, 'and their faith will be twice as strong for it.

[i]Tick, Tock. Tick, Tock. Tick, Tock[/i]

Time stops for no man.

It has been 5 months since I last posted. Some consider this blog dead, some don't. I write out of inspiration, not out of duty.

It has been awhile since I've been called on the cellphone to return to competitive gaming. However tonight, life seems to have thrown the ball back into my court.

Your choice Manfred. You can choose to go back to competitive gaming, or you can choose to continue your life as it is.

A little spice in life never hurt anyone, did it?

This how the dream feels like then.

No bliss.

It's all different from what I perceived it to be.

My Chapter has called not once, not twice. Will I answer.

There is none like it.

Very few people can channel their anger to spur themselves on, to push the boundaries and limits, to break the barrier that anger encases you in.

It's a blessing I can channel it that well.

Crimson skylines and angelic clouds

There was a particular day I was at home and it was raining, not heavy but not too light.I remember sitting on the sofa, watching Mythbusters and looking out the window all of a sudden. It was a beautiful sight.

The skies were crimson, much alike blood.

I close my eyes and stretched out my hand and I pictured this scene.

"The sky was bleeding, drops of blood everywhere on my hands."

I looked to my left, and lo and behold; a rainbow.

-----

On the bus back home after work, I stared into the abyss.

Until when I looked up, I realise there was a bliss.

Light shining through the clouds, as if the sun itself was encased in clouds.

A sight to behold, that I clearly remember .

-----

"You have something in you that keeps you going on Manfred. That's good stuff in you. You never turned away from God."

This is what you did to me.

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never the same again."

Revelation

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." - Mahatma Gandhi

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and realising that prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes

"The lord is compassionate and gracious,

slow to anger, abounding in love.

He will not always accuse,

nor will he harbor his anger forever;

he does not treat us as our sins deserve

or repay us according to our iniquities.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

so great is his love for those who fear him;

as far as the east is from the quest, so far has he removed our trangressions from us." - Psalm 103:8-12

God,

There are many things in life we cannot understand.

How can you love us so deeply?

Why do you love us so deeply?

I cannot fathom your capacity to love. It is so immense, it is so... amazing. Divine even.

Today, you have taught me a lesson. A wonderful lesson. A lesson of forgiveness. I sat the whole day in the office, thinking about what I wrote last night. I remember one of the greatest lessons you taught me about forgiveness. I was able to forgive a group of my friends for what they did to me. And they were just FRIENDS. How much more faster should I be able to forgive my family members?

I read this two quotes today, and I realise I am the prisoner of my hatred. I am not imprisoning those I hate, I am imprisoning myself. I imprison myself from the power of forgiveness, from the power of love, from the power of freedom.

As I lay down on my bed, I looked back in life and I realise that my father did not stop loving me. He showered me with material gifts, yes, but perhaps he wanted to make up for the past 8 years he was never there for me. I remember how he never rejected the idea of me going professional gaming. Instead, he spured me on, and told me to go all out for something I loved to do and to never give up, because the moment I did, I would fail.

I failed to notice that there were other people who loved me, who cared for me. Just to name a few:

Lionel & Elfin Loh

John and Vivian Mcdonald

Ng Wee Chung

And many others of course.

I close my eyes and think of my Dad. The tears are there, but there is no pain because the memories of my father were not painful but instead, happy memories. Thanks for the memories Dad. You may never get to see this,  but I still love you, even if I don't show it outwardly.

God, you have been wonderful to me. I am sorry for being a brat all this while. Forgive me for not forgiving my father all this past years. But today I've decided to remember him as the best father that I ever had, because I chose to love him and forgive him for what he has done. Thank you God.

And of course, thank you missy.

Wow I feel quite light now. 

The Fight.

I remember the times in Joo Chiat where we watched WWF together with kor. We used to be entertained by your funny comments when we watch a animal documentary. I remember the times where we had to ask you for permission to play games on the computer and we would walk up to you and show a C with our hands and you would nod.

At this point of time, my heart is cracked.

I remember the night before I slept, I cried because I thought you weren't coming back. I thought you were gonna leave us forever and never come back. I remember the times I have been disciplined by you, by that cane, by your hand.

It's hurting, slightly, but surely. Something is stuck in my throat.

I remember the nights in Crawford Lane, you would never come home. I never saw you, day and night. You were the phantom father that I had. I remember how one night you sat us down at the dinner table and told us that we would have to move to Marine Parade, and that you would not be staying with us forever. I wondered, was it because of me? Was it because of my stupidity and my weakness that you couldn't stay with us from now on?

The pain is real, the tears are leaking out now. But I stem the flow. I have to do this, I tell myself, I just have to.

Then I remember the anger, THE FUSTRATION THE SADNESS, THE HATRED AGAINST YOU THAT I HARBORED FOR SO LONG. I NEVER GOT TO VENT IT OUT, I NEVER GOT TO ASK WHY DID YOU LEAVE BECAUSE I THOUGHT I WAS AT FAULT. BECAUSE I FOOLISHLY BELIEVED THAT I WAS THE CAUSE OF EVERYTHING. THE HATRED SURGED IN ME, THE ANGER BLEW UP WITHIN ME. I FELL INTO DEPRESSION, I ATTEMPTED SUICIDE MULTIPLE TIMES AND WHAT DID YOU DO? TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL. I FELT NO LOVE FROM YOU. I DECIDED TO HATE THE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE WHO MADE ME SUFFER.

I WANTED EVERYONE TO SUFFER. I BECAME SADISTIC, MADDNESS OVERWHELMED ME. I HATED EVERYONE, I HATED MYSELF, MY FAMILY, MY FRIENDS, MY LIFE. MY OWN LIFE. I HATED IT TO THE CORE. THERE WAS NO POINT IN MY EXISTENCE, I TOLD MYSELF, SO I DECIDED TO END THIS FOOLISH DREAM OF THE HAPPY FAMILY THAT I HAD SINCE I WAS A CHILD.

I WAS BROKEN, I WAS HURT, BUT I COULD NOT VOICE OUT WHAT I FELT BECAUSE MY BROTHER TAUGHT ME THAT I WAS INSIGNIFICANT, HE YELLED AT ME FOR BEING A INCOMPETENT FOOL, A WEAKLING, ANOTHER WANNABE, I WOULDNT MAKE IT BIG IN LIFE.

I fell into depression. And until today I've never truly gotten out of it.

I HAD NO ONE TO LOOK UP TO, NO ONE TO GUIDE ME, I ONLY HAD THE WORLD, AND MY FRIENDS, MY STUPID, MESSED UP FRIENDS WHO MESSED ME UP AND MADE ME THE BEAST I AM TODAY, THE MONSTER. BUT I CHOSE THAT PATH.

YOU WERE NEVER THERE TO SUPPORT ME DAD. YOU NEVER WERE. PHYSICALLY, MATERIALLY YES, BUT WHAT ABOUT MY EMOTIONS.YOU WERE NEVER, AND NEVER WILL BE THERE FOR ME

I HATE YOU. I TRULY HATE YOU FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME. I HATE YOU TILL THE END OF TIME.

There was no pain felt. It wasn't surprising, seeing how my heart was empty in the first place.

Flesh memories

Let the inner child come out of you, let the wounded child that was once hurt, ridiculed, insulted come out. Let the anger and hatred flow through you and express what you felt at that point of time. It's the most painful part of this therapy, but it is necessary to be able to feel.

You have to be either insane to ask me to show you the memories of my past which were filled with hurt, pain, hatred, anger....

... or you just care that much for me.

"Change is painful, but the end result when you break free from that prison is beautiful."

The past, re-read.

There is a lot of good in you.

Dear Friend Who Will Soon Find Out Who You Are,

Do you remember the times we had as kids? When we had so much fun together, just playing and laughing, and running under the sun? What about "Sunny Gudu Gudu"? And the S.H.E album that you bought for me? Do you remember them at all?

Remember all those, Friend, remember all those.

There was that year when we fell out with each other, and never talked again for years. Remember the isolation? Remember the spiteful remarks? Remember the heart left cold and out in the dark? Remember thinking we would never be friends again? Why remember them at all?

Leave them behind, Friend, leave them behind.

Today, Friend, I call you 'friend'. I laugh at our infantile and juvenile behaviour as kids back then. Why did I hate you then, I cannot comprehend. Where did I muster that much hatred against you, I have no idea. I am grateful though, and very very glad that we have since made up, becoming best friends for ever and ever (Yes, I know it's very primary school and cliche).

Right now, I enjoy the little SMSes that I receive from you every once in a while. I enjoy the way you randomly say, "I tell you a joke." I enjoy the occasional intellectual exchanges that I have with you, provoking thoughts and reasonings. I enjoy sharing songs with you, knowing that you need a getaway from Screamo. I enjoy doing things for/with you, because I know you will appreciate it thoroughly.

Hold on to all these, Friend, hold on to all these.

Friend till eternity,
Jacinda

Hey man!
Merry Christmas!

Now everytime I think of you I wanna laugh! LOL. Thanks for giving me such a good time at the retreat. With all your jokes and reactions, tho I know it's not intentional, it still gave me a hell of a time.

Indeed many things have happened in our friendship this past few years, all the conflict and the bastard times. As I look back at all those times, I realised one thing. That you are a very strong person at heart. And I ought to look up to you cause what you have gone thru when we were younger was pretty unacceptable. And I feel like an idiot now. But I'm really really glad that you have let nothing from the past affect our friendship now =) Tho at time there were a little rocky here and there,i know in your heart, you really really love god. I know it hasn't been easy for you at home but always remember, God didn't promise you a easy life, but he promised you a good one. So whatever you do, think about God, and you will do it better. I'm sure God has plans to use you more in other people's lifes.

Hello Manfred! :D

There's so much to say every time, but this time it's just to spread some Christmas cheer! I'm really encouraged by you,brother. Really. All the things we thought would happen at retreat, didn't happen! Instead, we enjoyed ourselves and learned somuch from the lessons, orphans, each other, etc. AWESOME! Thank you for being the Spartan in my life, that through you i see so much strength and determination to be firm in all that you believe in. Continue to glorify God in amazing ways! Love you brother! Happy X'mas!

i hope you are alright, reading that past of yours, i really felt a lot for you. your uncertainty, i could relate, because i have been there, thinking whether giving up the world is worth it for god, but right now, i am sitting here, i know so well that it is all worth it. i am glad you are reconsidering, and you came today.

no matter what, we are that family that you have lived with for half your lifetime, and there is a bond, though only starting, but certainly it will continue to grow. and what can be better than to continue this battle and eventually see everyone in heaven. that will be the ultimate retreat, the ultimate RockIt! come on brother, i know you can do it, i know you wont give it up!

where is that fighting spirit? where is that spirit of love, and concern, and fire for god? i have seen glimpse of them, shiny even from afar. the way you give your heart and serve, that is the love and the way god works in your life. you are part of the family. you play a role in all our lives, because we know you and we depend on you for the strength to fight on.

the undying fortitude in your games, bring it out, show it to us once again! surely it all means something, to us, to you. let's walk this path for god till the end. let's never quit on him. let's never betray him and go back to the world. during my bible study time, what i feared most was the bible describing me returning back to my vomit like a dog,

and a pig returning to the mud after it is cleaned. it disgusted me, it scared me. now that you have walked so far, even further than i have in your relationship with god, let it grow stronger and not let your fire dwindle. that is christianity, building your faith every single day! and you have people in your life accountable for you, people who will never forsake you,

but will stand by you and fight with you. we can do this! it isnt worth it to give up everything. if god never forsakes you, why should you? if we never gave up on you, why should you give up on yourself? we all have our ups and downs, and we should face them bravely like a man! these are struggles, but what can they do to us when we are strong in our relationship with one another and with god?

what can man to do us? what can the world do to us? manfred, i have faith that you will pull through! you have to have the faith too. let's fight this together and return victorious!

seriously, i feel so much that reading your posts makes me want to cry. you are not just somebody in the teens, you are manfred in the teens. it isnt only about being fred the swat man, but being manfred. you matter to us, whether or not we have had conflicts with one another. think about it, pray about it, open your bible and let it guide you. remember your first love for god, 

and your conviction of wanting to get baptised. if this goes on, i know i will type another eyeful. but i hope you know that all of us are concerned about you, and we worry that you will make that wrong move. we live for the truth of salvation and we care about yours too. manfred, come on! i will keep praying for you!

How I wish I had the courage to end my life like I tried before.

Buried or forgived?

The greatest paradox, you ask me?

Being able to give advise to others, help others, but being unable to help yourself. Much like a doctor telling his patients to not smoke but he himself smokes. A hypocrite if you will.

I've always wanted to help others, but I'm unable to pull myself out of the quicksand that I myself have stepped in.I remember how you told me once that I have to help myself before I can help others. How true indeed and yes, the memories are still latched on. I have a knack for remembering the good stuff... and the bad stuff.

If you were to ask me face to face if I have forgiven myself of the hurt I inflicted to a certain group of young teens a LONG LONG time ago, I can safely say that I have forgiven myself. But I doubt myself, I keep thinking that instead of forgiving, I have buried the feelings under a carpet. And this carpet is the happy me, smiling me, laughing me. I choose to believe that I have forgiven.

After all, it's our choices that determine who we are, not our abilities.

And was it directed to me, what you wrote?

Stabbed by mere thoughts

07:00PM -

The mere thought sends a spike of pain through my chest, I've felt it a thousand and one times, but on this thousand and two, the pain causes me to cringe.

I shake my head, and alight off the train. God will protect, God has great plans, don't worry. Focus on your problems, your lifetraps, your [i]schema[/i]. Leave the rest to God, there are things we can't change or take command.

08:00PM -

"It's not gonna work over a week, a fortnight, a month Manfred. It will take maybe years to dig out your schemas and fix it. You have to be prepared."

I am prepared.

"You have to tear down the walls you have built around yourself. You have to be sensitive again, don't numb yourself to the pain. Express yourself more, use feeling-oriented words."

I will.

A long time ago, I made a promise to myself to never use the word "try". It inspires weakness, worthlessness. I broke that promise.

Can a promise be renewed? I believe so.

What do you think?

I'm really worried for you bullet train friend. 

Regret

Some e-mails are meant to be kept. Some are meant to be deleted.

But some blogs will have to stay.

The vow

I have been running away far too long.

I have dug a pit far too deep.

I have been foolish to think I can run away from my past, away from all the insecurities, the fears.

The memories.

A feeling unlike anything I've ever known stabs at my chest. I think to myself, is this how being heartbroken feels?

I lie down on my bed. The feelings overwhelm me. The feeling of shame, disgust, hatred, anger flood my heart and mind.

And it's all directed from me, to me.

I close my eyes, and the fun times we all had together playback, crystal clear like it was a DVD movie. I remember the laughs we had, the atrocious amount of time we spent being lame, the late nights we spent being online, discussing about life and it's meaning or almost everything, anything under the sun.

For the first time in many months, a tear leaks out from those eyes. Tears of sorrow, shame, disgust.

I've ran enough.

Now it is time to let God carry me.

Now it is time to straighten out things.

Now it is time to stand up and never stay down.

Now it is time to face my demons within.

My past.

My fears.

My insecurities.

My anger.

My emotions.

Time to finish the fight.

The best painkiller

Painkiller, or more commonly known to us as Panadol, is a miracle painkiller. It relieves you of pain, but momentarily until you deal with the headache or whatever that's associated with.

However, a overdose of these painkillers could potenially kill you. This painkillers should be taken in a time of need, instead of greed.

However, I found out that the best painkiller is to just store my emotions within, locking it up and throwing the key away. Years of hurt, pain, confusion all locked into that void that exists within my soul. Sounds ironic don't you think so, locking the pain within you, never letting anyone know what you're feeling, but at the same time it eats you from the inside, devouring your thoughts or what's left of your emotions. It's a... double-edged sword.

I remember what a certain person told me when I said I can never smile. That person laughed, and, for some reason, I smiled.

"There you go, you smiled!"

The amazingness of how situations can backfire at you within seconds.

But what is the best painkiller? To feign ignorance to the things that are happening around you, or to lockup your emotions, steeling yourself? Or is it to be vulnerable, to express your fears, your concerns to someone close to you, to tell them that "Hey, I need help".

Human nature is amazing indeed, we know the answer to the question, yet we chose the wrong answer ALWAYS.